someone get that fucking seahorse.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
