I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
