I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
