if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
