And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I touched a dick in church today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
