I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
