is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
