you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
