Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
