Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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