Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
