When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
