I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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