"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
