WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
