My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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