i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
