The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
