I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
