dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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