So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
