Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
