ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
