shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
