Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
