I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
