would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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