Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
