My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
