Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
