Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
