My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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