im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
