I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
