and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
