I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
