Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
