I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
