If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I don't deserve a penis
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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