I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
