Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
