When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
