One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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