dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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