i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
