haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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