went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
