Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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