you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
