I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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