This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
